turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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