Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
