He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
