He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Randomize
