Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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