Your mouth is God's brothel.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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