Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
