EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
