I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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