I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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