his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Randomize
