I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
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