R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
