Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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