I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
