Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
