just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
