We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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