whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
