the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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