how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
