Pants 0. Shit 1.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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