After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
