he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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