Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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