Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
When are your genitals available?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
