I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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