The best revenge is premature balding
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So here I am, sexting at work.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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