I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
