porn star boner night. come get it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
