my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
