Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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