I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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