you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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