I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
