dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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