Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
