If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
