i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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