True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
