yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
