I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
