I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
