WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Randomize
