Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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