If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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