You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
