He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
