im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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