I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
