Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
