his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
